Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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