Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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