so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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