I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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