Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I puked a lego.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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