I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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