I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
