making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize