Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it's great music for shaving your balls
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
