I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
