Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
