That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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