cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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