Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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