How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
