Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
