1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
