Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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