how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
