and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm passing your future prison.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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