So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
