Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
