I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
