also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
