if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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