i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
