I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
