i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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