Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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