Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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