i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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