My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
