I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Congratulations! We have a period
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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