Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
