dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
