i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love having hate sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
