they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
