Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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