Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
