if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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