He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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