So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
