...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
