How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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