So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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