Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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