And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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