he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
