Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
