you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
