I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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