Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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