On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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