Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize