His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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