Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
