i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
