Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
