He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
