I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize