look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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