There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
