just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
