LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
we should paint friendship bongs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
