You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
