First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
