I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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