my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
