I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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